Monday, August 29

Within A Box

Living within a box does not make me happy. I cant imagine it would make anyone happy. I am done fitting within the box. Within the image that everyone wants to see. Sure from the outside it looks lovely, maybe even "perfect" but honestly it is not what is on the outside. Inside the box things aren't perfect. Never have been. I have carried around a weight that no one sees, a weight that I can no longer carry. Every day I wake up and tell myself that I can handle it. Ive allowed it to get heavier and heavier over time and I told myself I could continue to deal. But I cant. This weight makes it to hard to portray what people want to see or think they see and just isn't worth it anymore. It hurts, it drags me down and is starting to break me apart. Ive lost myself under the weight and I am not the person I want to be. I want happy. I want to smile real smiles every day. I'm tired of lying to myself and everyone around me so that they can see what they want to see. Hear what they want to hear. Pleasing everyone is impossible and I tell others this all the time. Its time I fight for me. Leave the box.

I may fall, I may lose everything (which of course is a matter of perspective) but in the end I will stand tall and be who I know I am and can be. Make decisions on my own. Walk with my head held high. I will be who I am and not what others want me to be or think that I am or should be. If I lose people along the way I will be ok with that. Everyone has the right to make up their own minds about who or what they want and need in their lives. I am making that choice for me. We all deserve to be happy. EVERYONE! Others may not understand the choices I am making but they are my choices, the ones I will have to live with. I am willing to live with them. I am confident that these are the right choices for me and the ones that matter most. I know it will be hard but I believe that the hard I am choosing is a lot lighter than the hard I am living. I do not believe the grass is greener on the other side. I know that it will be trampled and walked upon over time.

My choices are not made to hurt others or make it harder on anyone. Do they affect others, sure all the choices we make affect something or someone. Whether its the bigger picture or more immediate. I am okay with that. I am moving forward because that is what I need to do. I will not live a life of what ifs. I am stepping up and finding out. Making goals that are attainable with the right mind set and motivation.

I know that there are people who could bear this weight I have carried for years and keep going. That is ok for them. It is NOT okay for me. I know that there are people that do not understand why I would have let it get so heavy but life is what it is. I have made my decisions and I dealt with them. Now I am making different decisions. I also know there are people who could not have woken up everyday and said "I can do this". I was not one of those. I am the person that is choosing now to let them go and move forward. Accept that there is another path, another place to be. Change is not bad, hard and scary but a part of life. I have found that I am not where I need or want to be so I am going to jump off this path and take another. I am going to keep exploring, find happy. Find me!

Judge how you will. Everyone has a right to their own opinion. We can not live the life of another, ours is the only life we have. Therefore one must live that life to their best ability. Sit back and enjoy the show.


  1. You have a way with words that just leaves me in awe. I look forward to hearing about what adventures you come across on this new path or yours :)