Monday, June 4

The Bigger Picture

I’m always amazed at how people say one thing and do something completely different. Are they lying to themselves or everyone around them? I just don’t understand. I am very vocal and honest which has both worked against me and for me in the past. More often than not I could care less what I say to people because at least I’m straight forward. If you ask my opinion I’m more than willing to give it in most situations and even when you don’t want it I am more than willing to let you have it. Yeah I kind of suck like that.

So lately I have come to some rather harsh realizations and because of that I am now having to reevaluate who I spend my time with. I’m open and honest with the people around me because I feel I have no reason not to be…but I guess that’s not a good thing. I am coming to think that the people I am being open and honest with may not want to, need to or care to hear what I have to say. Which is totally okay, everyone has a right to their own thoughts, feelings and choices. But what if these peoples intentions for being around me aren’t as pure or innocent as they once were? What if their reasons are out of obligation? When the people I am hanging around have questionable intentions I either 1. Need to reconsider what I say around them or 2. Just avoid them as much as possible. That sounds so easy!

Sadly this is much harder for me than I can even express in words. One day I feel like I am surrounded by people who only want the best for me and the next I am questioning who I actually have left. If you haven’t been in this situation it really freaking sucks! I’ve found myself here a few times and have dealt with it in strides. I think maybe this is natural, a cycle in life. It allows us to grow and learn, not only about others or the world around us but ourselves. After all that I’ve experienced the past year I guess it is definitely time to figure out who I am today.

I’m no longer a military spouse or even a military dependant. An identity I’ve had for years is no longer mine. I’m a civilian?! What does that mean? What responsibilities and changes have I not come to fully grasp? I’m still a mum but now I’m a “single mum of two”. Talk about reality check! I’m no longer a wife although the single status was short lived and I am now a girlfriend. That was a hard pill to swallow as the titles and the fear of what they would mean scared me. But its good. I am happy. I am also proud to say that Metalman is my boyfriend (yes, I still get all kiddy like a school girl when I say that because um yeah he totally rocks!). I’m also a student again with a completely different goal and meaning for going to school. I’m on a mission, I have a place I want to be, someone I want to become…for me. That is pretty cool.

I wish I could say I have things figured out but honestly I am struggling some days. I know that things are going in a positive direction. That I have goals and they will be achieved with time and focus. But there are days that just confuse me. As for life I am where I want to be, where I need to be, doing what needs to be done as well as what I want to do but I have to be aware of holding onto things that do not need to be there. I have made so many changes so quickly I may have over looked certain things or well people for that matter. Now that I have made it through the first roller coaster I need to figure out what else I need to do to continue to progress and move forward. I sure hope its easier than my heart tries to tell me its going to be. That I will be able to create the boundaries that need to be made and do so with little damage to all those involved. Gosh why does life have to be so darn complicated all the time?

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